December 25, 2006

December 11, 2006

Float On

(I'm the one in the Santa outfit)

I took a ride out to Palmdale this past weekend - Little Miss Littlerock invited me to join her in the Palmdale Christmas parade. I got all dressed up in my holiday best and rode the float with Miss Littlerock, Little Miss Littlerock, and the whole darn Littlerock Royal Court! I didn't know this, but it turns out every self-respecting town has its own retinue of pageant royalty, and all these Misses and Little Misses turn up en masse whenever there's a parade in the area. I was probably the only one in a five-block radius who wasn't wearing a tiara!

Our float didn't win a prize (we were beaten by some ambulance sporting a single garland of tinsel - go figure.), but I had a great time regardless, and I even got to meet Dorothy Roe - Miss Antelope Valley! What more could I have wished for? Oh yeah... a Judge's Trophy. Just wait 'til next year, you stupid ambulance. Those tires better be puncture-proof!

"Waking Up in a Winter Wonderland"

or

"I Knew it was a Bad Idea to Leave the Bed in the Driveway"

 

December 2 , 2006

Have Freaks, Will Travel

Sideshow, pt.2

The sideshow still exists. You can still find fire eaters and sword-swallowers performing; you'll even see human blockheads pounding nails up their noses. What you don't see is the freaks. Two arms, two legs, ten fingers and ten toes - that's your typical sideshow performer these days. The sideshow of old went the way of the minstrel show - a bygone relic of a less enlightened age. Modern medical advances had made human anomalies a thing of the past. Also, in these PC times, putting the "physically challenged" on display for amusement purposes was frowned upon. Stories would turn up about a community of former sideshow performers living out their remaining days down in Florida - it always sounded sad, like we were witness to the last days of a dying race. The Last of the Mohicans gave way to the last of the Mule-faced Girls.

Or so I thought. Then I saw an ad for a new show at the CIA.(The CIA, for those poor souls who don't get out much, is the California Institute of Abnormalarts - THE place to go in the LA area for off-beat, highly unusual and completely unique entertainment.) The 999 Eyes ov Endless Dream - a genuine traveling freakshow! This I had to see!

The club was packed, and we were all milling around, waiting for the show to begin. Suddenly this lovely young woman came through the door to my left. Stylishly dressed and sporting a small pair of crutches, she came up maybe to my knees. As she made her way through the crowd towering over her, I noticed something unusual about her small stature. She was only half there!

Soon the curtain opened and the show got off to a rolling start. As the dark carnival gypsy jug band played (THAT Damned Band, to be precise), the cast of characters took to the stage. These weren't old retired showfolk being shown off for their infirmities - they were young and fun and ... abnormally NORMAL! The half-girl who had caught my eye earlier was named Jackie. She sang, she played guitar, she even did a karate demonstration! Lobster Girl performed a knot-tying trick while telling of a seafood restaurant "rescue" by some misguided PETA members. The Black Scorpion - "The Worst Magician in the World" - showed how he had earned that title. Everybody had some talent to show, everybody had a story to share. These people weren't being gawked at for being different - they were celebrated for being unique. It was fantastic!

I wanted to find out from the performers what life was like in a traveling freak show, so after the show I had a few questions for them:

What was life like before the freak show?

Ken Pegleg (the Modern Day Elephant Man): Pretty boring. No direction. No connections with people. No place to belong.

Black (Black Scorpion/Lobster Boy): Fewer options and fewer friends.

Is it different now? Has being a part of this group changed anything about you?

Lobster Girl: Before the freakshow I was insecure about my anomaly, now I am confident to talk about it and show it to people and to express my feelings about living with it. I like to show off my seven fingered skills. The show has changed my life in every way and now I have a freak family and traveling community.

The Human Tripod: Now I'm not just a medical anomaly but a performer in a freakshow, and that makes me a FREAK! As a child I always performed in plays and music events; the freakshow just gives me a different avenue to explore.

Ken: It made me think of myself in a more positive way and feel better about myself. I'm able to express myself more to people about disability, and they don't just look at me like I have the plague or flesh eating virus.

Black: Now I feel like if I was in any sort of trouble I could call on my Freak Family and they would help me find a solution, whether it be needing a place to sleep or finding a place to go. I feel as if I am a part of something bigger than just going to "work". I hope in some way we are helping others.

Are you treated differently in the atmosphere of the sideshow than you are in the world in general?

LG: Absolutely! For instance I don't get "the flinch" when I shake peoples hands. When people meet me on the street thay are afraid to ask me about my hand. When they meet me at the show they are liberated and the audience becomes free enough to ask me about my claw.

HT: Well, people in Denny's or the laundromat usually won't stare at me unless they are children, and I kind of learned to shrug it off. In the shows people are invited to look at me and talk to me and question my condition and abilities. It gives me a chance to connect with people more.

Black: The great thing about being "Lobster Boy" is that I can easily put my hands in my pockets and walk down the street without anyone the wiser. Unlike most freaks I do not get harassed every day, but when it does happen it can be both positive and negative.

In what ways?

Black: Well, before the freak show I'd either get people who'd seem really interested, or some of the older generation who would tend to either look down upon me, or recall someone they knew with "it". Some people would just seem horrified by the sight of my hands and try to avoid me like a disease.

After the freak show most people are very positive, gentle and accepting of me, my hands and my feet. All of this talk is crazy, anyways. In what weird reality do I live in, where I go do a TV director's job and this is not even an issue, but then outside of my safe bubble is a world where some think that what I am born with is amazing and they want to film our lives together; others just want to do this and to be a part of what we are. It kind of drives you crazy thinking about it all! A true double life.

I also had some questions for Samantha X, the driving force behind 999 Eyes:

How did you get started doing this? Why the freak show?

Samantha X: I was teaching anatomy and physiology in healing arts schools and using the photos of freaks to teach the endocrine system. People were fascinated - it was obviously a missing art in our culture. Upon obtaining pictures of the freaks, I began learning of their amazing lives. I began learning of the time when freaks were seen as fabulous, beautiful, from far off places, proof of evolution and mysterious. I began to wonder what happened to the freakshow and, upon doing more research, learned of its demise. I saw many showmen's call outs and efforts to bring back the freakshow. I learned of the showmen and freaks who fought in court to keep the exhibition alive, snd the showmen who kept going even against disability rights activists, jail and lawsuits. I soon after met Dylan Blackthorne, and together with the circus music we played, we decided to inspire a freakshow. I knew Lobster Girl from the days of old. She was excited about the project and met us in Austin, and together we began to collect the Museum of Oddities and visit the old showmen. We had to visit them to ask "What is a freakshow?" We were all to young to have seen one. Shortly after this I found our dwarf and our freak anomalies expert and we began painting banners, doing photo shoots and creating what is now the 999 Eyes ov Endless Dream.

Tell me about the old showmen.

Many of the "old" sideshow/freakshow performers didn't have much going on for them before the sideshow. This is a huge topic, however, as some of them were sold from slavery. Some were bought by showmen, some adopted...

Some of the old showmen were on the street selling newspapers when dime museums asked them to come be the talker of their shows.

What kind of reactions does your show get?

We have only had positive reactions to our show. More than anything we have older people thanking us for bringing back something that was an exciting and influential part of their childhood. The younger people seem to be relieved that there is more than the boring ten fingered, ten toed blueprint. We often have people coming up to us and wanting to show us their medical anomalies. Once we had a 16 year old boy come to show who had seen it the night before. He brought his mother, who was inflicted with the same syndrome as Ken, our Modern Day Elephant Man. He cried in front of his mother and told her he was proud of her now and sorry for being ashamed of her in the past.

How hard is it to find performers?

It's not hard for me. I seem to have a gift in finding the freaks - they seem naturally attracted to me. Other people in the show have scared some human anomalies off before I was able to meet them. As my passion is to recreate a world where freaks are fabulous and the strange and bizarre are beautiful, I think my sincerity comes through when I first introduce the concept of them joining an authentic freakshow. I guess that's why they call me the Freak Momma.

Last question: Would your freakshow happen to have any room for a miscreant monkey?

Monkeys are always welcome!

 

Thanks to Samantha X and all the gang at 999 Eyes ov Endless Dream. Keep up the good work! We're all freaks at heart - some people just wear it better than others.

 

November 26 , 2006

Step Right Up!

Sideshow, pt.1

I remember when I was a kid - every fall we'd pack up and head over to the Blue Hill Fair. Wandering the midway, stuffed to the gills with doughboys and onion rings - it was my idea of heaven! One section that really intrigued me was a row of tents with the most amazing banners I'd ever seen - just the right mixture of the lurid and the fantastic to attract an impressionable youth such as myself. Scantily clad women fought with giant snakes and spiders! Cows pranced around on six legs! There were humans with frog bodies, and horses with human bodies. The people in the pictures seemed like they were from another planet - giants and midgets,people with two heads or no heads at all. "ALIVE. Wonders of the world. Freaks of nature. ALIVE."

Of course once I paid my money and entered the tent, I realised I'd been promised a bit more than was actually delivered. The half-naked jungle beauty fighting for her life on the banner outside sat on a folding chair in a pen containing some fifty garter snakes. Fully clothed and puffing absentmindedly on her cigarette, she looked for all the world like some lunch lady on her afternoon break.

As I walked past the dusty old taxidermy animals and the jars of "pickled punks", I understood that the talkers outside were using the term "alive" rather loosely. Some items may have been alive once, long ago. Others may have been reproductions of something that had possibly once lived. More than a few seemed completely made up. There were no "lobster boys" or "alligator women", only regular people with malformed hands and skin conditions. It was quite a letdown.

Not as great a letdown, however, as when the sideshow disappeared. Times had changed, and the old tent shows were on the wrong side of "political correctness". Gone was the "hoochie coochie" tent (Ours was the "Sugar Shack", and it left before I was ever old enough to find out what went on in there). Gone were the fantastic banners and their promises of the strange and exotic. Sure, the fair was cleaner and more family-friendly. It was also duller. Where was the magic? Where was the wonder? I wanted to believe that the world had places where the three legged race could be won by a single person; where jungles were filled with giant man-eating spiders and people really could grow lobster claws.

I'm happy to say that the sideshow never really died out. It's out there, but you have to look for it. To that small group of dedicated people keeping the tradition alive - my hat goes off to you. In your honor I'd like to dedicate the new Sideshow section of the Exploits and Adventures page.

 

November 5 , 2006

I Want My Mummy!

 

I took a trip to Universal Studios this weekend. They had this strange promotion where I got a coupon that was good for either a free day or a free year - my choice! I went for the free year. I think I overpaid. But seriously, it was worth it just to go on Jurassic Park - that ride's a blast!

My, what big teeth you have!

 

Kids must love this place! The park is crawling with costumed characters. Spongebob,Wolverine, Beetlejuice - there's no shortage of photo-ops.

------

-------------My friend Frank.-------------------------Do you see the family resemblance?

 

A ride on the tram takes you through the main lot and the back lot - some highlights include the Psycho house and Bruce the shark of Jaws fame. My favorite bit is the rotating tunnel that was made for The Six Million Dollar Man - it's still a great illusion.

You won't really see any movies or shows being made on this tour. This is yet another illusion - you get the "feel" of a working lot while being kept well away from the actual business of show business. You do get something the other studio tours don't have though - a theme park!

There's a lot of movie-themed entertainment here - the Backdraft show, the Shrek show, the Mummy ride. For my money none held a candle to Jurassic Park - it was the only thrill ride that actually thrilled. Plan to ride this more than once. The others? May as well go see 'em since you're already there, but don't get too upset if you miss any of them.

If you get hungry do yourself a favor and head over to Citywalk - it's the only place you'll find any quality food. It's also worth checking out for its "Hollywood, by way of Las Vegas" atmosphere (You can do Citywalk without doing the theme park, by the way).

Walkin' the Citywalk

My advice? Wait for the out-of-town relatives - especially if they have kids. Go if you can't think of anything else to do. Or just do what I did - wait for your free ticket.

 

October 22 , 2006

The Horror...

A grinning madman waltzing with a corpse... a horde of the undead dining on the entrails of a hapless victim... such was the stuff of nightmares that made Paris' Grand Guignol Theatre infamous over a hundred years ago. There, the success of a play was measured by the number of people who fainted.

Grand Guignol has long been shut down, replaced today by big budget carnage spilling from movie screens the world over. You can still get a taste of the good old days though, thanks to the folks at Zombie Joe's Underground Theatre.

Zombie Joe's is a little speck of a theatre in North Hollywood. It's an intimate space, seating fifty at the most. The show - Urban Death - is not a play so much as a series of vignettes, removed from any context and related only by theme (that would be death, in case you hadn't figured that out already). The macabre is king here. Urban Death plays like a variety show in hell, where the dead, the undead and the demented run through the acts that have earned them eternal damnation. The shotgun suicide, the corpse bride in search of love - these scenes are absorbed viscerally rather than understood. Some of the best pieces are over in seconds, leaving images that will burrow their way into your psyche. Hell is not without its sense of humor, either - the zombie models striking their poses and Mr. Saggybottom cleaning the floor provide welcome comic relief.

Now for the bad news. There are only two shows left - Friday and Saturday, October 27 and 28 at 8:30pm. If you're in search of something out of the ordinary to ring in Halloween, you can't do much better than this.

Zombie Joe's is at 4850 Lankershim Boulevard in North Hollywood. Tickets are $10, and reservations can be made by calling 818-202-4120.

 

October 16 , 2006

Far Out!

Buzz, out for a stroll.

These days it seems like anyplace you go is overrun with tourists - hell, you even have to get in line to make your way up Mount Everest! Imagine going someplace absolutely new... someplace so far off the beaten path that even now, over thirty years later, only a dozen people could ever say they'd been there. Well, in 1969 Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin made history by becoming the first people EVER to set foot on the moon!

Pardon our dust

Think of it - no obnoxious tourists looking for the closest McDonalds, no locals hawking "somebody went to the moon and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" souvenirs. Just two guys on a never-been-explored hunk of rock floating over a quarter-million miles out in space. Now that's what I call adventure traveling!

I haven't figured out how I'm gonna get to the moon myself, but you can believe I'm working on it. In the meantime, I did get to meet somebody who has been there - the one and only Buzz Aldrin. Have a look for yourself in the Celebrity Scrapbook!

 

October 5 , 2006

Goin' Deep

Isla de Guadalupe Adventure, pt.6

By now people had gotten pretty accustomed to the cages. The first time in them, some folks would only touch the bars with their fingertips, afraid a hungry shark would make a snack of their digits. Once people realized the sharks weren't out to get them, though, the cages served not so much to keep the sharks out, but to keep us in. We were all over those bars like kids on a jungle gym - arms, legs, heads - all outside the cage at one time or another. Passing sharks received the rockstar treatment - like crazed fans we'd rush from one side of the cage to the other, cameras thrust out as far as we could reach. One diver (Dean,a fantastic photographer and all-around crazy man) squeezed through the bars all the way to his waist - when a shark got a bit too close for comfort, his retreat back into the cage literally hit a snag when his weight belt got caught on a bar! He made it back in, though, with all his limbs intact.

For those of us who were certified divers there was yet another bit of fun to be had - the deep cage. The deep cage was lowered twenty feet beneath the boat, with just one diver and a spotter. This baby was topless, and you actually stood ABOVE the cage on the top rails!

In the surface cages there would be brief periods of shark activity followed by long stretches of nothing. It seemed like the sharks would go somewhere else, only checking in from time to time to see if there was any new bait. The deep cage revealed the truth - the sharks were there the whole time, constantly circling far below the boat! Down here you really had to keep your wits about you - we were surrounded at all times. I'd be filming one shark and remember to look around just in time to see another coming up from behind. The sharks seemed a lot more interested in us down deep - maybe it was the lack of bars standing between them and a potential meal. I know sharks don't really like eating people (not enough fat on us to make a good meal), but they do seem curious by nature. Their way of checking things out is to take a bite, so even if they don't want to eat you you're gonna end up just as dead. Down here I really got the feeling that if I didn't watch out my head could be swiftly separated from my body!

It was a real trip seeing it all from down below. Looking up at the boat and the divers, it became really obvious that we were completely out of our element - dangling over a deep blue abyss, kept alive by a cage of metal bars and an airhose. The saying is true - every time you go in the water you enter the food chain. We really are just visiting, just playing around in our comfort zone up near the surface.The ocean belongs to them.

 

September 21, 2006

Hometown Buffet

Isla de Guadalupe Adventure, pt.5

I was hanging out on the deck of the Solmar V (waiting for my next turn in the cage), when somebody noticed some action close to the shore - it was a pod (School? Herd?) of dolphin. Lawrence turned off the underwater speaker (There was usually music playing while we were underwater). Part of the deal he made to be able to operate in a marine sanctuary - the music's turned off whenever there are marine mammals in the area. We watched them cavorting off in the distance; when Geronimo (one of the crew) asked if anybody wanted to get a closer look, a bunch of us jumped in the zodiac and went for a ride.

I must say, it was strange riding around shark infested waters in what was basically a rubber raft. I wondered what I'd do if the thing sprang a leak - I didn't relish the idea of swimming back to the boat!

Playtime!

---

Geronimo piloted the zodiac over to where we'd last seen them playing. At first it looked like they'd already left (it did take a while for everybody to get on the boat). Then we saw a fin break the surface, then another. These fins had more of a curve to them than a shark's fin, and they were moving fast. As Geronimo steered towards them the dolphin started leaping clear out of the water and spinning in the air - these guys wanted to play! There were a half-dozen of them, including a mother and a little baby, and they started swimming around our boat. Sometimes we'd follow them, sometimes they'd follow us - it was like a game of tag. Finally one of them started slapping his tail against the surface,sending up a spray of water with each resounding THWACK! The gang of them took off for parts unknown, and we went to explore the island.

The island appeared uninhabited - sheer cliffs, no vegetation. As we got closer to shore, however, we started hearing the strangest noise. It sounded like a baby crying or a cat in heat. Was it the ghosts of Guadalupe Island? Geronimo directed our attention to the rocks near the water.

Seals - a whole mess of 'em - lounging on the rocks, basking in the sun. There was even a "kiddie pool" - a tidepool filled to the brim with baby seals splashing and cavorting! You could see seals in the water around the rocks , too. Actually, what you tended to see was seal butts - groups of them with their heads down and their rear flippers sticking straight out of the water. I think they were on the lookout for sharks. I know I would have been!

Sealbutt

Then Geronimo took us over to the sandier areas. "Fur seals and sea lions stay on the rocks," he said. "Elephant seals like the sand." Sure enough, lined up there on the beach - a whole herd of elephant seals. These puppies were big! They didn't do much but lay there, flipping sand onto their backs.When they did move, they rippled like giant water balloons (Blubber balloons?).

Of course! Now it made perfect sense! Elephant seals lined up like a bunch of jumbo franks at the 7-11... little guadalupe fur seals frollicking in tidepools until they're big enough to play in the ocean... no wonder the sharks hang out here. This place is a Great White smorgasbord!

 

September 18, 2006

I'm Ready for my Closeup...

Isla de Guadalupe Adventure, pt.4

It was amazing seeing the sharks in action, and I couldn't wait to get back in the cage. Finally there was a lull in activity, and Lawrence switched out the groups. The people coming out raved about what they'd seen and the spectacular shots they got... this was gonna be good!

Turned out it was more than just a lull - we sat there for an hour and basically saw nothing. The sharks were done playing with the bait and spent the hour circling in the hazy distance. Maybe twice the entire time did a shark come even remotely close to the bait. Our hour ended and we rotated out of the cages. We were pretty bummed out. People were even talking about sitting out the next rotation.

My next time in only two of us went in the cage, and soon I had it all to myself. The last time I'd gone in with my Nikon D70 in this beast of an underwater housing. I brought in a video camera this time, and was playing around shooting mackerel and the occasional distant shark. I tell you this underwater action photography isn't easy - the buttons are all awkward and it's nearly impossible to see anything through the viewfinder. When the sharks did come by there was no warning - all of a sudden there they were, and I'd shove my camera out through the cage and hope I was pointing in the right direction. Often I was close, ridiculously close...

...other times the shark would only be partially out of the shot or I would have missed it altogether, getting another swell picture of water and mackerel. Those pesky mackerel also had a habit of getting in and messing up an otherwise perfectly good shot.

But sometimes I'd get it right...

 

So I was down there experimenting with the video camera when the sharks decided to make another go at the bait. Wouldn't you know it, this would be the time the battery decides to go dead on the camera! I was right in the middle of a fantastic shot - shark approaching the bait, mouth opening, teeth extending, and...blackness. I couldn't believe it! In another two seconds I would have had the full sequence, but NOOOOO!

I went to the top of the cage and found out I still had a half-hour. Camera or no camera, I'll be damned if I was going to miss this! Turned out it was the best decision I could have made. The cameras had reduced my whole experience to what I could see in the viewfinder. Now it was just me and the sharks, and it was absolutely incredible! Swimming a mere three feet from the cage, I got to see them up close and personal. They were brutes, some five feet in diameter, and they bore the scars of many a nasty encounter. One had the remnants of an identification tag at the base of his dorsal fin. (They were both male, by the way. The pair of claspers on each sharks underside gave that away.) They seemed to hunt together, as one was usually coming up from behind when the other was in sight. They didn't seem scary. They didn't seem malicious. They did seem smart. One shark figured out that the bait was being pulled away whenever he came at it from the surface. He started approaching from underneath, so the wranglers wouldn't see him coming. It was an impressive sight - fifteen hundred pounds of shark rising straight up from some twenty feet below. I can only imagine what it looked like from the boat!

 

September 17, 2006

My, What Big Teeth You Have!

Isla de Guadalupe Adventure, pt.3

Cruisin'

(Note : all of the pictures you see were taken either by myself or by Beth)

 

 

No sound but the echo of your breathing and the rush of bubbles past your ears. The thought "I can't believe I'm really doing this" repeating like a mantra in your head. It was definitely surreal. Appearing out of the hazy blue were two white sharks, circling off in the distance. They moved like they had all the time in the world. I couldn't believe how perfect they looked, like they'd swum straight out of some dream (nightmare?). I'd always pictured sharks like some sort of underwater fighter plane - sleek, streamlined, built for speed and the quick attack. These sharks were more like bombers - big and powerful. Twelve, thirteen feet long and five feet across, this baby wouldn't be turning on any dime! They passed the hanging bait without so much as a sideways glance (can sharks even do a sideways glance?), and came straight for the cages. Bigger and bigger, until my field of vision was taken up entirely by shark. Then he veered off to the right and passed out of sight. Then they started their flybys. You had no idea where they would appear from next - behind the cage, up from underneath, it was as if they were trying to keep you off-guard. These are definitely ambush predators. The people in the cages started what would become a familiar look over the next couple days - I'd call it classic "shark lookout" behavior. Like a bunch of demented bobbleheads, everyone started looking left, right, up and down, trying to see where they would appear from next. Some did the "Blutarski hop" - hunched over, hands out, hopping in little circles - all I could think of was John Belushi in Animal House, checking to see if the coast was clear. Others lay down on the cage floor, looking for sharks rising up from the depths. One finally swam up and "took the bait" - a burst of speed, an open mouth, and half a tuna suddenly disappeared. Leaving the surface churning and the mackerel scattered, the shark sped away from the scene of the crime.

That was the "freebie" - the one and only tuna the wranglers would let the sharks take unchallenged. From then on their job was to let the sharks get as close as possible, then pull the bait away at the last minute. These guys were good at their job - over the next three days the sharks wouldn't get much of a meal.

Then came a clang at the top of the cage - it was time to get out and let the first group back in. We got out and watched the action from the surface for the next hour. These sharks were all over that bait! You could see them circling - a big grey/brown shape gliding through blue water. Then the fins would appear - both the dorsal and tail fins cutting the surface. The shark would lunge, all snout and teeth, and the wrangler would yank away the bait. With a surge of white water and a flash of fins the shark would disappear back into the depths.

Over and over the sharks came in for the attack. Sometimes the shark would get lucky and grab the bait before it was pulled away. We would all cheer - these were the most spectacular of the surface shots - and the wrangler would take a ribbing for "falling asleep on the job". We were definitely getting our money's worth today!

 

September 15, 2006

Sharkbait

Isla de Guadalupe Adventure, pt.2

Land Ho!

 

I'd like to say I had a restful night's sleep, but I'd be lying. With the tossing of the boat and the constant drone of the engine, the evening was fitful at best. When I woke up the next morning we still had three hours to go before we reached Guadalupe. Breakfast was odd - scrambled eggs and a hot dog. "Sausages," Pedro the cook called them. I guess it's a cultural thing. If I can't tell my horchata from my machaca, I guess I can't be surprised if he gets his Oscar Mayer and his Jimmy Dean mixed up. After breakfast Lawrence Groth, the man in charge of this little excursion, gave us the rundown. If anybody knows about cage diving with Great Whites, it's Lawrence. He built his first cage back in 1998, after working as a commercial diver near the Farallon Islands (off San Francisco). That cage actually trapped a shark INSIDE it - a design flaw he quickly corrected! Since then he's led expeditions both to the Farallons and to Guadalupe, and now eight years later he's closing in on his 1000th shark!

Groth's first bit of news: officially, there's no such thing as a Great White Shark. White sharks do not have greater and lesser subdivisions - they're all just white sharks (Although if he can name his company Great White Adventures, I don't feel too bad about using the term myself).

Finally - land! I'm not sure I'd describe it as hospitable, though. Sheer, rocky cliff faces towering overhead, not a hint of vegetation in sight. Isla de Guadalupe could just as easily have been named Skull Island of the Island of No Return. I half expected a giant cyclops to appear overhead and shower our boat with boulders. As if to drive home the purpose of our visit, a giant crag of rock thrust out of the water just offshore, looking for all the world like an enormous dorsal fin.

It was time to suit up and get in the cages. The first dive was just to get acclimated - no cameras. The crew was busy chumming the water while we got ready, and we'd already attracted a sizeable school of Spanish mackerel. Whenever a new scoop of chum (basically a soup of ground up fish and squid) was thrown in, the mackerel would roil the water like a bunch of bloodthirsty pirhana.

When Mackerel Attack!

 

There were also two hanging baits , each a half-tuna attached to a float. The chum was used to put the scent of food in the water; the hanging baits were the reward for any shark who came to investigate.

It was time for the first group to get in the water. There were two cages off the back of the boat, each big enough for four people. This boat used surface air (hooka is the technical term - long hoses fitted with regulators) to give more room to the people in the cages. One by one the divers stepped up to recieve ankle weights and weight belts, and popped regulators into their mouths. Down the rear steps, through the top hatch, and into the cages they went.

We in the second group got ready while they were underwater. After fifteen minutes they came out of the cages, with still no sharks in sight. It was our turn. The crawl from the boat to the cage was awkward with the fifty pound weight belt, but once in the water I actually felt a bit light. The water was clear and intensely blue. Spanish mackerel were everywhere, forming a veritable "fish curtain" in front of the cages. I'd never seen so many fish in one place. They'd mill around waiting for the next scoop of chum, then make a mad dash whenever any new food hit the water.

This went on for about five minutes, eight of us down there watching the mackerel. I felt a nudge in my side and looked over. The guy next to me was pointing off in the distance. There in the hazy blue was a shape, big as a car and coming slowly but deliberately towards us...

 

September 11, 2006

Over the Bounding Main

Isla de Guadalupe Adventure, pt.1

 

The Joy of Seasickness

 

I didn't even have to think about it when Beth first brought it up. Diving with great white sharks? Hell, yes! Her friend Dean went every year, and two slots had just opened up on the boat - setting sail from Ensenada on the first of September. The Isla de Guadalupe - a day out, three days of diving, and a day back. My friends were suspicious - "Out of Mexico? You're gonna end up in chicken-wire cages off the back of a fishing boat!" These guys were the real deal, though. Great White Adventures had over four hundred expeditions behind them, and a 100% safety record.

This trip took some serious prep. First, there was the re-certification so I could go in the Deep Cage (it had been far too long since I'd last dove), and the accompanying open water check-outs and equipment purchases. Then I had to track down underwater cameras - man, is that stuff expensive! Of course Marvin needed a full set of dive gear, too. I had some great plans for Marvin pics, although a few of my friends seemed downright hostile to my "chum in the wetsuit" idea.

The day before departure, we made the car/taxi/subway/train excursion down to San Diego. We met up with Dean (who had been partying like a rock star for a day already) and friends that evening for a few rounds of Jagermeister, but we called it a night before the pudding wrestling started.

The next morning we climbed aboard a bus and took off for Ensenada. There were sixteen of us in all. Musicians, teachers, attorneys - we ran the gamut. Some were seasoned veterans of various dive trips, others were newcomers with no experience but a serious fascination with sharks. We were quite the bunch, our own version of the cast of Gilligan's Island. Hopefully hurricane John (which was circling off the coast of Mexico) wouldn't be tossing our "tiny ship" that day.

We got to the dock in Ensenada. Lucky for us, the Solmar V was no Minnow. Steel hulled,112 feet long, and with all the comforts of home. 12 cabins, each with a private bathroom, air conditioning, and a color TV and VCR. Sure, you'd have to be around three feet tall to consider the cabin roomy, but after the Das Boot-style amenities we'd endured during open water checkouts, this was the Taj Mahal! Upstairs was the lounge and salon, all rich mahogany and etched glass. Big ol' plasma-screen TV, a library of books and movies, satellite phone and internet. And the galley - a full-on kitchen! No "how do you want your burger?" on this trip. Beer and wine, steaks and shrimp - we'd be eating in style!

We loaded up the boat and set sail (do you still "set sail" if you're not on a sailboat? I'll have to check with somebody on that). We were ecsorted out to the open ocean by a pod of bow-riding dolphins, and everyone was giddy with anticipation for the upcoming adventure.

It wasn't long before giddiness gave way to nausea. There were some serious swells on the way out to the island, and a lot of people were looking distinctly "green around the gills". A bunch of people were already crashed out up on the sun deck, which they claimed was the least vomit-inducing spot on the boat. I wasn't seasick, although I did feel a bit "out of sorts". Was it the rocking of the boat or last night's Jagermeister? I wasn't sure. It didn't affect my appetite, though, and after a good meal and a viewing of The Poseidon Adventure, I was ready to call it a night. With eight hours down and twelve to go, land was but a distant memory. I left my fate in the hands of Neptune and St. Elmo and drifted off to sleep.

 

 

September 7, 2006

I'm Baaack!

I've been back on dry land for a day now and the whole world still feels like it's rolling on the waves (I really notice it when I'm sitting down) - I wonder how long it takes for my sea legs to convert back to land legs? What a fantastic trip! Did I see great whites? You bet I did! Hell, I was close enough to touch 'em! What an adventure! I've got an ENORMOUS amount of photos to go through, but I'm working hard and I'll be telling you all about it real soon!

 

September 1, 2006

Shark!

Wish me luck - I'm headed out today on my great white shark adventure (provided hurricane John doesn't spoil the fun). I'll tell you all about it when I get back!

 

August 29 , 2006

One Ringy-Dingy...

I'm working on a project developing animated cel phone messages. Here are the first three - nearly finished. I'll let you know when and where you can get them for your very own.

Message 1: I Love You

Message 2: You've Been Dumped

Message 3: Thanks for the Swell Night

 

August 5 , 2006

Tiki Invasion

Here's one not to miss - Mission Tiki Drive-In is celebrating "Fifty Years Under the Stars" today with a HUGE blowout - Tiki culture, hot rods,classic cars and B-movies, too! There'll be 200 vendors selling all kinds of cool stuff, performances by great bands like the Muffs, the 88, the Woggles, the Martini Kings and the Ghastly Ones, Polynesian fire dancers, hula dancers, burlesque dancers, a car show hosted by Von Franco, and classic B-movies like Cobra Woman, The Creeping Flesh, and Hard Ticket to Hawaii!

Head on over there and join the fun! It goes from 11am to 3am, with gates opening at 8am. Mission Tiki Drive-In Theatre is at 4407 State Street, Montclair, CA 91763(on the corner of Mission Blvd. and Ramona Ave.).

 

July 4, 2006

Hey! Ho! Let's Go!

It was all about the Ramones last night at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery! Linda Ramone (with help from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery and the LA Weekly) threw a big benefit for prostate and lymphoma cancer research (Joey Ramone died of lymphoma, and prostate cancer took Johnny). A screening of the classic Rock N' Roll High School AND It's Alive - never before seen concert footage from the Ramones 1977/78 New Years Eve show at London's Rainbow Theater - brought out throngs of fans to pay tribute to those punk pioneers Johnny, Joey, Dee Dee, Tommy and Markey.

It was a fitting place for the festivities - Johnny and Dee Dee are both buried at Hollywood Forever. The pink cadillac from Rock N' Roll High School was parked next to Johnny's memorial, and Riff Randall herself - the one and only P.J. Soles - was happily posing with fans. The Sex Pistols' Steve Jones literally kicked off the evening, punting a soccer ball into the crowd (the lucky recipient got a prize). Henry Rollins (former Black Flag frontman, storyteller, author and all-around involved individual) told everyone about how the Ramones altered the course of his life, and surviving Ramone Markey got up to claim the mantle of "original punks" for the United States (definitely an Independence Day jab at Jonesy and the Pistols).

After the talking we all settled in to hear some great music and see a great movie out under the stars. On top of that, I was lucky enough to get pictures with both P.J. and Henry! You can check 'em out in the Celebrity Scrapbook.

 

If you missed the benefit and you'd like to help out with a good cause, you can make a donation to either the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society or the Prostate Cancer Foundation. Do it for Johnny and Joey. Tell 'em Henry Rollins sent ya.

 

July 2, 2006

Swimming with Sharks

Wow - have I got a great trip coming up in September... I'm off to Isla du Guadalupe to get up close and personal with the stuff of nightmares - the great white shark! This ought to be good!

 

June 23 , 2006

An Inconvenient Truth:

An Overinflated Sense of Self-Importance

 

Al Gore is in town this weekend - and I won't be getting a picture with him. He's out here promoting An Inconvenient Truth, his movie and accompanying book. I thought he would be great for a Marvin picture: former Vice-President who reconnects with his true passion - the environment - and in doing so, reconnects with the people. Gone was the wooden, uncomfortable politico, replaced by a genuine, interesting and engaging human being.

Or so I've heard. I emailed Mr. Gore's contact person to see about getting a picture with him while he was in town. I heard back with a standard "he's a very busy person" response:

If you want to get in line and buy a book, we will have someone standing by to take your picture with your camera while Al Gore signs your monkey's book.
If you want to take a picture of him, there is an area for the press you can stand in. Just bring a copy of this reply with you.
Mr. Gore has no time to pose for photos with anyone and has asked not to be asked to do so.

All well and good - he is doing a book signing and two movie screenings, after all.

Then an hour later I received this email:

After speaking with Mr. Gore's publisher, we've decided on the guidelines listed below.
I'm afraid that we all think a monkey would be inappropriate.

Inappropriate? Busy, I can understand busy. But inappropriate? Was it inappropriate to get a picture with Gore Vidal or Cindy Sheehan? Salman Rushdie or Werner Herzog? Even some truly great people who have declined to pose (Stephen Hawking and Sir Edmund Hillary come to mind) never questioned the appropriateness of a picture with Marvin. I'm trying to set up a photo with THE DALAI LAMA, for god's sake, and I have yet to hear anyone question the appropriateness of THAT picture!

So there you have it... no Al Gore picture. Is it a case of overprotective handlers or uptight personality? Who knows. I do know that An Inconvenient Truth has a very important message, and is well worth seeing, so don't let any of this stop you from checking it out. You may think twice, however, about inviting Al Gore over to your next barbecue or Superbowl Party. It just wouldn't be appropriate.

June 11 , 2006

It's Alive!

For as long as I can remember I've been fascinated by the myriad creatures that have made the movies so cool - old classics like King Kong, little green Yoda, even the wacky inhabitants of the world of Beetlejuice. If you've ever been interested in how these creatures are brought to life on the big screen, then there's an exhibition at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences you've got to see: IT'S ALIVE: BRINGING ANIMATRONIC CHARACTERS TO LIFE ON FILM.

This show is a must see for anybody interested in movie effects. The first floor features the design aspect, with concept drawings and workshop photos galore. You can trace the evolution of the PREDATOR from first sketches to final creature, and see storyboard sketches from THE DARK CRYSTAL and more. Upstairs you can see the actual models and mechanical creatures used in movies like AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON, SPIDER-MAN 2, MEN IN BLACK, JURASSIC PARK, and THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA (to name but a few)!

Not only that, but the whole shebang is ABSOLUTELY FREE! How can you beat that? You can't, I tell ya, so get over there and check it out!

 

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is at 8949 Wilshire Blvd. in Beverly Hills. The Academy Galleries are open Tuesday-Friday from 10 am to 5 pm, and weekends from noon to 6 pm. This exhibition runs through August 20, 2006.

 

June 4 , 2006

Swingin'

I climb the ladder - it seems like a loooong way up - and step onto the narrow platform some twenty-five feet above the backyard. Two of Richie Gaona's assistants are there, cool as cucumbers (they should be at this point - they've got lots of experience AND they've been up here all afternoon.). They laugh and joke while they hook the safety lines to my belt, then they help get me in position - feet together, toes off the edge of the platform, hips forward and hands on the bar shoulder-width apart. A lot of first-timers say climbing the ladder is the scariest part, but for me this is it: Standing here, leaning way too far over the edge of this little platform, I can see just how high up I am - and I can imagine how painful a bad landing would be. No time to think about that now - Richie's down below calling out directions. "Get ready...set...HUP!" With a small hop I'm off the edge of the platform, and...floating through the air with the greatest of ease? Not quite. Careening? Hanging on for dear life? Sounds more like it. My mind is racing - "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? HOW AM I GONNA GET OUT OF THIS ALIVE?" Down below Richie is still calling out directions - "Kick back! Kick forward! Legs up!" My brain is failing miserably in its attempt to keep up with all this new information and all these strange sensations - I learn later that it's best to just shut the brain off and listen to Richie. A fourth-generation circus performer, not only does he know what he's doing, but he knows just what you SHOULD BE doing. "Okay relax, and...Drop!" I let go of the bar for a controlled freefall into the net below - courtesy of Richie and the safety lines.(Watch that net, by the way - it'll chew you up good if you land wrong.)

I walk/bounce my way over to the ladder and unclip, the adreneline surge making for a very shaky time of it. And with that, I'm no longer a trapeze virgin. I wasn't the best of the newcomers, but I definitely wasn't the worse. (That honor would have to go to the girl who screamed and bicycled her legs the whole time she was swinging.) Each time up after that gets a little easier, the motions come a little smoother. With friends cheering on each success and laughing at my mistakes, a good time is had by all. (This is their third time trapezing, so I've got some catching up to do.) By the end of the session I'm tired and sore and the back of my knees are bruised to hell. One thing's for sure, though - I'll be here again next week!

 

Want to try it yourself? Check out Richie's website FLYTRAPEZE.COM for all the details.

 

May 28 , 2006

Come by and see me!

I'm gonna be hanging out at my friend Nancy's store Brat tomorrow to help her celebrate Memorial Day - Reverend Dan will be spinning the tunes, the Fleagles and the Regulars will be performing, and there'll even be pizza and drinks! How can you pass that up? Come on by 1938 14th Street in Santa Monica from 12-6 to join in the fun!

 

May 14 , 2006

Back to New Orleans

or

In Search of the Lower Ninth

"1 dead in attic"

I love New Orleans. I love the funky, gritty gumbo of food, music, history and hedonism that makes New Orleans so special. There's no place in the world quite as colorful.

I (and the rest of the world) watched with dread as Hurricane Katrina compromised the levees and tore the city apart. I watched with anger and shame as the bumbling oafs masquerading as public officials sat around with their thumbs up their collective asses as 1200 people died. Now here it is, nine months later, and the news is still talking about the slow pace of reconstruction . In fact, I'd heard that the Lower Ninth Ward looked exactly the same as when Katrina had hit (minus the water). I decided it was time to go see for myself what had become of the Big Easy - I called my friend Jim in Philly and we arranged to meet up for a long weekend in New Orleans. His friend Molly lives down there, so we were hoping for a local's view of things.

Driving in from the airport, the first sign of Katrina's infamous visit is the Superdome. Either exposed subroofing or a patch job has left the white roof half black, the New Orleans equivalent of the Hiroshima Atomic Bomb Dome.

 

Jim and I continued our drive to our hotel, the Chateau Hotel on Rue Chartres. I can happily report that the French Quarter hasn't changed a bit (at least as far as I could see) - you can still get your beignets at Cafe du Monde and barf your alcohol-pickled guts out on Bourbon Street. There are quite a few FOR SALE signs around, though. The biggest effect of the hurricane on the Quarter seemed to be at the souvenir stores, where there was no shortage of Katrina related shirts. My favorite said "I stayed in New Orleans for Katrina and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Seriously... that's all I've got."

---------

Jim called up his friend Molly. Unfortunately, she was out of town. She hoped to be back by Saturday, so there was still a chance that she could show us some of the worst-hit areas. We decided to forego the packaged post-Katrina disaster tours, and strike out on our own. One small problem, though, was that we had no idea where we were going. The one-page map that came with the rental car was not nearly detailed enough, and the maps at the hotel only covered the French Quarter. Everybody in the country has heard about the Lower Ninth Ward, but it wasn't on any of the maps. I asked the guy at the front desk (not your most talkative fellow, I might add) where we should go to see some of the more damaged areas. I didn't want to come out and ask how to get to the Lower Ninth - it just sounded like such an"ambulance chaser" question, and I'd heard they didn't look to keenly on gawkers. He looked up from his important job of pretending we weren't there and said "That's easy. Head up to Rampart Street and go right - you can't miss it." So off we went to see for ourselves how bad things were in New Orleans.

The first thing we noticed as we headed east on Rampart was the markings on the houses. Each and every building was spray-painted with a big X and a bunch of numbers and letters - indicating when the place was searched and what department was involved. This is how I heard it's set up - the top quadrant of the X has the date searched, and the left quadrant the department doing the search. The bottom quadrant is for any people found (living or dead), and the right quadrant is for hazardous conditions (collapsed ceilings, etc.) Things looked bad, but they didn't look that bad. If this was the Lower Ninth (which I was pretty sure it wasn't), it was in relatively good shape.We went back to the Quarter and finished off the day with dinner at Emeril's restaraunt Nola.

The next morning we went looking for a better map. We never found one. At one stand at the French Market we saw a bunch of books about Katrina. I was looking at a book by Chris Rose called 1 dead in attic - a collection of his columns from the Times Picayune. The man behind the counter said "That's a good book - he helped a lot of people get through this". I bought a copy, and I'd recommend it to anybody looking for a first-hand account of what it was like in New Orleans in the days, weeks and months after Katrina. We looked all through the other books- glossy, picture-filled works by CNN and Time-Life. Plenty of maps, but none listing the neighborhoods. I brought an arial picture of the flooded city up to the man behind the counter. I asked where the Ninth Ward was and he pointed to a section to the northeast of us. I asked where he lived and he pointed out an equally waterlogged neighborhood. "We were under twelve feet of water for two weeks." I soon found that everyone had a Katrina story to tell. The lady at the hotel talked about the shirtless, tattooed guy with the gun who set up a barricade out front. Hassan the taxi driver talked about his adventures getting people out of town beforehand, and trying to get others back to the flooded city afterwards.

Jim and I set off again in search of the Ninth Ward. Up the freeway and over the canal, right where the old man said. We drove around the neighborhood - houses and cars, like any neighborhood. Except the cars all had flat tires, and when you looked inside the houses... there was nothing there. They were just shells - the insides had been completely gutted right down to the studs. One of the most striking things was the lack of people. Most places there was maybe one returned homeowner per block, often not even that. At the very least I was expecting cleaning crews, or building crews, or something...anything. I only saw one house cleaning crew and maybe four road crews the whole weekend. It wasn't destruction...it was desolation. Something wasn't right - this couldn't be the Ninth Ward. Looking back, I probably should have been suspicious when the old man at the bookstand started his directions by pointing to an area on the photo nowheres near the clearly-labeled French Quarter and said "Here's where we are." He was a good man, but he was no good with directions.

We drove back over the canal to check out the neighborhood where the old man said he lived. More desolation, but no serious damage... well, except for the one house that was sitting on a car. After the ubiquitous house markings, the other thing you saw everywhere was the ring. Every house had black and/or brownish-yellow rings around it, marking how high the water had risen. The saying "Location, location, location" had a perverse irony here - a fortunate slope or slight rise from one side of the street to the other meant the difference between a first-floor that was chest deep in water and one that was completely submerged.

-----

That afternoon we went out to the Garden District. The worst of it there seemed to be the loss of the Spanish moss in all the trees, and the fact that the cable cars weren't running. Maybe the wealthy neighborhoods just cleaned up quicker, but everything seemed fine on this side of the city. As we were driving down Magazine and we caught the whiff of something fantastic - it smelled so good we came back later and, like a couple of bloodhounds, wandered the street in search of the source. Fortunately for us the intoxicating aroma wasn't coming from a house, but from a market called Big Fisherman Seafood. We left the place with four pounds of boiled crawfish and had a meal fit for a king! (By the way, you really do need to suck the heads. The meat's in the tail, but all the flavor is in the head.)

That evening it was back to the French Quarter for drinking and some seriously lousy piano bar at Jean Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop.

On Saturday we went up to the Lakeview area, which I'd heard had sustained some pretty serious damage. It didn't look too bad. I was starting to get the feeling that the worst of it was always just beyond our view - if we'd only turned right instead of left at intersection X or Y, we'd be seeing a whole different New Orleans. We did see many lots filled with FEMA trailers. They reminded me of the above-ground cemeteries in these parts - row after row of white boxes. I got the impression, though, that the city's only about 25% populated these days.

By afternoon we still hadn't heard from Molly. We'd gone everywhere we could think of (having no real map and no real clue), so we decided to get out of the city. We went west towards Baton Rouge, and then headed north and east (taking the smallest roads on our little map). It was a nice drive, but we didn't see anything too fascinating. We took the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway back to the city. Running nearly twenty-four miles right down the middle of the lake, it makes for an interesting experience. You get out there a ways and you can't see anything but an endless stretch of water. Water and Causeway, that's it. Eventually some buildings - the City of New Orleans - appear, very tiny and off in the distance. They're not at the end of the Causeway, they're just sitting out there in the water. It's kind if creepy, like you're driving a bridge across the Atlantic Ocean.

We went over to Port of Call on Esplanade to grab a bite. The place is always packed and has a long line out front. There's maybe five items on the menu (not counting the tropical drinks) - and all of them are beef. Have a steak, have a burger, or go home. I must say - I had a damn fine mushroom cheeseburger!

Sunday morning it was time to pack up and head to the airport. We grabbed a copy of the Times Picayune, and right there in the front section was a minute-by minute breakdown of Katrina and the flooding, accompanied by a map WITH A CLEARLY LABELED LOWER NINTH WARD! I was right - we had never seen it! Our first search came the closest, but we never crossed over the canal that separates Bywater from the Lower Ninth. "Oh well," Jim said, "I guess we'll just have to go back!"

I will go back, too. If you get down there before I do, here's a map for you:

I've scouted out some pictures online. People were right - the Lower Ninth is still a scene of total destruction. Next time I go I WILL check out the Lower Ninth Ward. I only hope those doofuses we call public officials will have gotten around to straightening the place up.

Part of what makes the people New Orleans so special is that throughout history they've always understood how important it is to enjoy the moment - have fun today, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. They've survived yellow fever, fires and floods - they'll survive this, too.

 

 

I really recommend you check out the following blog: Ray in Austin: New Orleans Archives

 

 

 

May 8 , 2006

Tiki Oasis 6

or

The Eyes Have It

The Hanalei Hotel in San Diego played host to Tiki Oasis 6 - this year's big West Coast gathering of Tikiphiles. Turns out Tiki is more than just a carved wooden figure - it's a lifestyle! It's the life we all wish we were living - a life filled with warm, tropical breezes, enticing hula girls in grass skirts , and an endless supply of mai tais and scorpion bowls to chase the worries away.

----

The soothing sounds of the Maikai Gents-------------------A tiki is born!------

 

And anywhere you have a bunch of laid back, Tiki-lovin' hipsters and an endless supply of alcohol, you've got one hell of a party! The whole weekend was one long room crawl, with a different room playing host and pouring drinks every couple of hours.

Urban Sophisticates strike a pose

 

There was one group that took the prize this weekend - the best booth, the best never-ending room party, and definitely the coolest hats. You couldn't miss 'em - distinctive dark fez emblazoned with a flaming eyeball - if there was a good time to be had there was probably somebody from The Cult of the Eye behind it. Now these guys really know how to throw a party - from the Tiki-shaped Lapu-Lapu dispenser to the free Tiki mugs for any girl willing to wear the coconut bra, room 1703 was the place to be!

---==---

Bow before the drink dispenser!------------Palm readings while U wait --===--

Goin' coconuts

 

Didn't make it to Tiki Oasis? You should still check out the Hanalei Hotel the next time you're in San Diego. The place is a tropical wonderland, and even though those in the know say it's only a shadow of its former Tiki greatness, I was still mighty impressed!

Now that's lush!

 

And if you get hungry while you're there, I've got just the place for you! It's called Ricky's and it's right across the freeway. The signs proclaiming it "Home of the World Famous Apple Pancake" caught my attention - this I had to try! I ordered one and was told it took a half hour to prepare. Man, was it worth the wait! The thing's as big as a dinner plate and two or three inches thick (it does deflate once you cut into it) - more an apple pie souffle than any pancake I'd ever eaten. Two of us gorged on its brown sugary, appley goodness and still only managed to get halfway through it. If you're not a big apple fan you can always get the Dutch Treat - same souffle, but covered with strawberries and bananas. Now that's good eatin'!

The Cult of the Apple Pancake

 

April 26 , 2006

Ghostbustin'

I know, I know - it took me long enough, but the piece on my ghost hunting trip to Utah is finally up and running! Be warned - there's some pretty creepy stuff! BWAAAAHAAAHAAA! I'm still waiting for the final analysis of all the info from Jymie (there was a LOT of stuff to go through), but you can be sure I'll fill you in on all the juicy details!

 

April 26 , 2006

The Urban Jungle Cruise

The next time you're in downtown L.A. buying some five dollar knockoff sunglasses, keep a lookout for the guy with the mouse ears and the bullhorn. He's Charles Phoenix, the mad genius behind Charles Phoenix's "Disneyland" tour of Downtown Los Angeles.

Downtown L.A. as Disneyland? I had to check this one out! I bought my tickets online, called my friends Kelly and Spike, and headed down to Union Station to join the tour.

Charles was easy to spot - he was the one who looked like an oversized Mouseketeer. The gold and red Shriner's jacket, the bejeweled Colonel Sanders bowtie, and of course the hat...talk about a snappy dresser! Forty of us had shelled out the 65 bucks each to see the "City of Angels" from a decidedly different perspective, and Phoenix looked like the perfect tour guide.

 

Fortune Tellers of the Caribbean

 

We started with a look around Union Station itself, and then it all aboard the "Monorail" (the Gold Line Train) for a quick trip to Chinatown and a waiting schoolbus. After a ride of about two blocks it was back off the bus to do some exploring. After Chinatown came Olivera Street (Frontierland?), then Clifton's "Brookdale" for lunch. Clifton's was a bizarre treat - kind of "Country Bear Jamboree" by way of the school cafeteria. The restaurant that time forgot!

"When there is no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth." - with puppets!

 

A visit to the Bradbury Building (1893's version of Tomorrowland) and a walk through the Grand Central Market (okay - I didn't quite get the Disneyland connection on that one) led up to a ride over to Bob Baker's Marionette Puppet Theater (definitely "Small World). After one very scary puppet show and some cake and ice cream, it was off to Carroll Street to see some beautiful Victorian houses and a couple "haunted mansions". The tour finished with a walk around the newest L.A. landmark - the Walt Disney Concert Hall.

My biggest beef? Not enough Charles Phoenix. I live in L.A. - I'd already been to nearly every place on the tour. What I was interested in was Phoenix's take on it all. We spent too much time sitting on the bus in silence or being ushered into various venues whose significance or relation to Disneyland completely escaped me. One of my favorite parts of the tour was when we were driving through an especially seedy section of downtown. As we passed some people who probably hadn't seen soap in a while, Phoenix broke into a rendition of "A Pirate's Life for Me". Then he pointed out the oversized pictures of scantily-clad lingerie models on the side of one building - "I don't know what part of Disneyland they're from, but I'm pretty sure they're there somewhere." Okay, I'm sure the shots of tequila Kelly, Spike and I had snuck off for while touring Olivera Street helped. In fact, I think it would have been great if everyone (including - no, make that especially - Phoenix) had downed a shot at every stop. Everybody was taking it all too seriously!

My final verdict? Disappointed but hopeful. It's a great idea, but it needs to be more over-the-top. The tour could be brilliant, and Charles Phoenix is just the man to pull it off. Loosen up, Charlie - dish some dirt, talk it up, get a little wacky! It's all about you, babe - why not go for the gusto?

 

April 22 , 2006

More Celebs

I've added a new volume to my Celebrity Scrapbooks! Volume 4 opens with that Desperate Housewife Felicity Huffman, lounge megastar Richard Cheese, comic nutjob Bobcat Goldthwait, cowboy crooner Sourdough Slim, sumo legend Musashimaru, and sublime funnyman Chris Elliott. Enjoy!

 

April 16 , 2006

Crying in my Mai Tai

It looks like a piece of L.A. history is about to bite the dust. Trader Vic's in Beverly Hills is going to be bulldozed so that the Beverly Hilton can build some luxury condos. If you haven't been there lately (or haven't been yet), you'd better head over there before it's gone.

The first Trader Vic's was started by Victor "Trader Vic" Bergeron in 1936. A trip to Cuba and Lousiana, and a visit to South Seas and Don the Beachcomber in Los Angeles gave the owner of the Oakland restaurant Hinky Dinks a vision of the future - a future that included pupu platters and flaming scorpion bowls. He changed the menu, changed the name, and the former burger joint took off. His polynesian cuisine and flowery rum drinks were a hit - and soon Trader Vic's were popping up all over the country (eventually all over the world!). His most famous drink - the mai tai - is still a staple at luaus the world over.

Well, for many people the age of tiki has passed (Philistines!), and tiki bars around the country are being torn down to make room for yet another Chuck E. Cheese. Stop in at this one before it's too late! Two tips: First, bring plenty of money, because this is UPSCALE tiki (it is Beverly Hills, after all!). Second, when you order your mai tai (how could you go to Trader Vic's and not have a mai tai?), ask for it made "the old way" - then they'll make it from scratch and not with the drink mix.

Mai Tai-Roa Ae'!

 

Trader Vic's is at 9876 Wilshire Blvd. in Beverly Hills.

 

April 11 , 2006

Here's the Beef!

Scheibler vs. Kato - that's over 800 lbs. preparing to do battle, folks!

On Sunday the Los Angeles Convention Center played host to the Japanese version of Wrestlemania - The 6th Annual U.S. Sumo Open. The atmosphere was definitely Far East- sushi, sapporo, taiko drummers and traditional dancers - but the competitors hailed from all over the globe. Reigning World Sumo champ Torsten Scheibler, a monster of a man at 6'7" and 439 lbs, led the German contingent. Mongolia had over 20 athletes and a raucous crowd of supporters. Bulgarian champ Petar Stoyanov was on hand, as were wrestlers from Norway, Korea, Japan, and the U.S. The special guest was none other than the 67th Yokozuna himself, the legendary sumo wrestler Musashimaru!

Musashimaru checks out my muscles!

 

The crowd of spectators was a lively bunch, and quite fond of the underdog athletes. They cheered on Art Morrow, who at 41 was the old man of the group, and they loved Stephen Jimenez, a sixteen-year-old newcomer from West Covina who already tips the scales at 400 lbs.! The scrappy Women's bouts were very popular, too, with a High School girl taking home the traditional bag of rice and bottle of sake that came with her Lightweight Gold Medal win!

Steven warming up ----------------Women throwing down

 

By far the most popular event was the Men's Openweight, a single-elimination, no weight-class wrestle-off. The exciting bouts brought the crowd to its feet as some of the smallest athletes out-wrestled opponents twice their size (with some comic moments when the little guys were simply lifted off their feet and carried out of the ring by their giant adversaries!). Skill trumped size, and the final four included one Heavyweight, one Lightweight, and two Middleweights.

My favorite wrestler of the day? Japan's Koichi Kato, former World Sumo Champion and former Japanese National Champion. Where the other wrestlers engaged in all sorts of psych-up and psych-out theatrics, Kato was the picture of calm. His moves, from the pre-bout ritual to the wrestling itself, were smooth and concise, and he made it all look easy - even when someone like Scheibler outweighed him by sixty pounds! On top of that, he had a quick smile and was always willing to pose with the fans. So how did he do? He repeated his performance of 2005, winning both the Heavyweight and Openweight divisions! Now that's one helluva wrestler!

My hero Kato!

 

 

March 30 , 2006

Where's Charlie-in-the-Box?

There's an art show down at Otis College that's worth checking out - it's called From the Island of Misfit Toys, and it takes the world of Barbie and Beanie Babies and turns it on its head. Otis is one of only three schools in the country with a toy design program, so where better to explore the interrelation between toys and art?

Mr. Toast says Hello

Some of my favorite pieces include The Travelers, a series of snow globes by Walter Martin and Paloma Munoz that turn winter wonderlands into little nightmares under glass, and a whole host of paintings and objects from Dan Goodsell's Imaginary World (how can you resist characters with names like Drunken Carrot, Mope the Onion and Shakey Bacon?).

My vote for Best in Show has to be Kelly Heaton's project The Surrogate. Heaton tracked down 64 Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls on eBay, skinned them and beheaded them. The heads she mounted as wall trophies, and the bodies she used to make a fur coat. Not just any fur coat, mind you, but a fur coat that giggles and shakes when you touch it! Now what could be cooler than that?

 

From the Island of Misfit Toys is in the Ben Maltz Gallery at the Otis College of Art and Design through April 15th. Go see it for yourself - it's worth the trip (and with free admission, you certainly can't beat the price!).

 

March 26 , 2006

Smackdown, Tokyo style!

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. My legs are jello, I can barely draw a breath, and I'm sweating like a pig. These are unusual sensations for me, but it's business as usual for the rest of the guys here at sumo practice.

Sumo's an old sport. It started over 1500 years ago as part of the harvest ritual. The oldest Japanese book in existence (nearly 1300 years old) tells of how the gods Takemikazuchi and Takeminakata used sumo to determine who would control the Japanese islands (Takemikazuchi won, in case you were wondering). During the Edo period (1603-1867) it developed into the form that is recognized today.

Mention of sumo conjures up images of giant Japanese men in strange diaper-looking things battling each other like a pair of bull elephants. Professional sumo still looks like that. These days, however, anyone (male or female) of any size can get in on the act. Amateur sumo is sprouting up all over the world. So don't worry that you don't weigh three hundred pounds, you can still be a sumo wrestler. You will have to wear the diaper-looking thing, however - it's called a mawashi and it's basically a handle to get a better grip on your opponent.

The object of sumo is simple -the first wrestler forced out of the dhoyo (the ring) or who touches the ground with any part of the body other than the soles of the feet is the loser. This can be done by pushing, throwing or tripping, but not by punching or kicking. A bout is quick - often over in a few seconds, seldom lasting longer than a minute.

The only way to really find out about anything is to try it yourself, so down I went to Jun Chong Martial Arts in Santa Monica to hook up with Andrew Freund and the California Sumo Association. Andrew saw his first sumo fifteen years ago while teaching English in Tokyo, and competed in an exhibition with a friend back in '97. Since then he's been hooked, forming the CSA and organizing the US Sumo Open. The CSA meets here most Saturdays to practice, and newcomers are always welcome to join in.

And how did I do as a first-timer? Well, you know how a cat will play with a mouse a little before putting it out of it's misery? That was me against the big guys. Against people my size, scrappiness and luck gave me a fighting chance (I even managed to get in a throw!), but skill won out in the end. This is a sport, after all, and when you barely know the rules and you don't know the moves you're at a distinct disadvantage. I had a great time, though, and got a helluva workout! I'm a long way from yokozuna, but I may just have to come back next week to see if this old dog can learn any new tricks.

 

Interested in finding out about sumo yourself? If you're in socal you're in luck - the U.S. Sumo Open is on Sunday, April 9th at the LA Convention Center! Japanese dance and drumming, sushi and sake, and national and world sumo champs going head-to-head. How can you beat that?

Then, if you've really caught the sumo bug, you can check in with the California Sumo Association and see about taking some classes. Who knows, you may be the next Musashimaru!

 

March 18 , 2006

Big Buddha's Watching You

In Uttar Pradesh, India they're gearing up to build the largest Buddha the world has ever seen. The Maitreya Buddha will be bronze, five hundred feet tall and built to last a thousand years - his throne is a seventeen story building! Maitreya's essence is loving-kindness and peace, and the people at Maitreya Project hope a Buddha that big will throw off a whole lot of good karma!

This weekend you can soak up a little of that karma by visiting the Relic Tour, an exhibition of ancient and sacred Buddhist relics touring the world before their inclusion in the heart shrine of the Maitreya Buddha. The relics are basically little bits collected from the ashes of cremated spiritual masters. Some of the relics here are even from Shakyamuni Buddha - that's THE BUDDHA - himself!

So drop in at the L.A. Buddhist Vihara, 920 Summit Ave. in Pasadena, and see for yourself. Tomorrow's the last day they'll be in California. 10am to 5pm, no entrance charge, and personal blessings all day. How can you beat that?

 

March 10 , 2006

I Got Spirit!

It's up! It's up! My Red Carpet coverage of the 2006 Independent Spirit Awards is in the Exploits and Adventures section. There are tons of stars, and I even got my picture taken with a certain Best Actress winner! Click here to check it out!

March 3 , 2006

Marvin Covers the Independent Spirit Awards

Tomorrow afternoon I'll be in Santa Monica covering the 21st Independent Spirit Awards, Film Independent's celebration of all the movies this past year that dared challenge the status quo. The line-up of those attending is fantastic: with host Sarah Silverman, presenters like Willem Dafoe, Vin Diesel, Macy Gray and Henry Rollins, and nominees including Philip Seymour Hoffman, George Clooney, Heath Ledger and Felicity Huffman (to name but a few!). I'll be on the red carpet for arrivals and backstage during the show, which will air live on IFC at 2:00 pm here in California, with an edited rebroadcast on AMC the same evening at 10 pm EST/PST. An exclusive half-hour red carpet show will also air live on WE:Women's Entertainment at 1:30 pm EST. Look for me - I'll be the monkey with the microphone!

 

March 1 , 2006

It's Tiki Time!

A shopper admires the handiwork of Malibu Mountain Gallery

 

Santa Monica Civic Auditorium was turned into a tropical paradise this past Sunday thanks to Otto von Stroheim and the gang! Vacationfest itself was its usual snooze, but the Tikifest in the atrium really jazzed things up. Otto (the publisher of Tiki News) spun the platters that mattered,

Crazy Al did some tiki carving,

and Doug Nason got in on the act with a slideshow/lecture on tikis of the South Pacific!

 

All that was missing was the mai tais! This was but a taste of the fun that is yet to come: TIKI OASIS 6 is headed down to San Diego the weekend of May 4-7! This year's theme is The Magic of Tiki, and the lineup looks fantastic - music by King Kukulele and The Maikai Gents, magic by James Dimmare(Vegas' only tiki magician), even burlesque and a Shag with a Twist mini-show. Of course you can shop til you drop at the Tiki Bazaar, and I'm sure they'll have mai tais aplenty! So get out your grass skirt and tune up your ukulele - I'll see you there!

 

February 6 , 2006

Ashes and Snow

There is an incredible exhibition down at the Santa Monica Pier. Gregory Colbert has spent the last fourteen years traveling to such exotic locales as India, Kenya, Egypt and Borneo - filming and photographing the interactions between humans and animals. The finished product is beautiful and timeless, and once you've seen it you still won't be able to believe it. To even try to describe it won't do it justice. Check out the Ashes and Snow website, and then get your butt over to the show!

 

 

January 30 , 2006

Tomb with a View

 

I remember how bummed I was when Hunter S. Thompson killed himself - not just because he was a great person, but also because I had missed my chance to get a picture with him! Well, this past weekend it occured to me - why should I let a little something like death get in the way of a good photo opportunity? With that in mind, I'd like to introduce a new section to the Celebrity Scrapbook: The Final Chapter.

I'll be adding more pictures over the next couple weeks. Let me know if there's anyone special you'd like to see in there - I'll do my best to get a picture for ya!

 

 

January 25 , 2006

Have Gun, Will Travel

Something the ol' gang has gotten into recently is getting together and shooting guns. Whenever somebody has a birthday we go down to the Los Angeles Gun Club and celebrate. I never thought of myself as the gun type, but I have to admit there is something appealing about how SERIOUS shooting a gun is. This isn't Loony Tunes or Resident Evil. There's no reset button here - if something (or someone) gets shot it stays shot. It's a skill that has no practical application other than to kill something, and yet...

It's a combination of skill and power that's quite seductive. I'm sticking with targets of the paper kind, but I tell ya - if I'm ever accosted by a paper mugger out on the street, I'll know how to handle myself!

Check out my adventures on the Gun Club page in the Exploits section!

 

January 13 , 2006

Grisly, Man!

 

Timothy Treadwell loved grizzlies. He spent thirteen summers in Alaska, living up close and personal with the big creatures. Probably a little to close. In October 2003, he and his girlfriend became some bear's lunch.

Larger than life, largely delusional - Treadwell was the perfect subject for filmmaker Werner Herzog. Herzog's movie Grizzly Man tells Treadwell's story through interviews with those whose paths he crossed (ex-girlfriends, the coroner, etc.), combined with spectacular footage taken by Treadwell himself. Herzog examines the uneasy truce between man and nature, and the nature of a man with an ultimately dangerous obsession.

Last night Werner Herzog showed up at Barnes and Noble at The Grove to sign copies of his new film. He has achieved mythic status as a director, and the stories surrounding his films can be just as entertaining as the films themselves (did he really direct Klaus Kinski at gunpoint?). An icon in his own right, Werner Herzog has achieved legendary status.

One of my favorite moments last night occurred before the signing started. I saw Herzog coming up the escalator, unseen by the line of film buffs and adoring fans stretching the length of the second floor. Then I lost him. Erin Vincent (Barnes and Noble's event coordinator) was there, the bigwigs from Lions Gate Films were there, but where was Werner? Discussing the details of his appearance with his handlers? Thronged by film geeks waving copies of Aguirre: Wrath of God and probed for industry advice by wannabe documentarians?

Then I saw him, alone and unnoticed over in the poetry section. He browsed for a few minutes, found something that caught his fancy, and went downstairs to pay for his book. Unmolested, unharried - just another customer to the girl behind the counter and the other shoppers. Such is the nature of cult celebrity. I love this town!

 

Of course I had to get a picture with Mr. Herzog - you can check it out in the Celebrity Scrapbook!

 

January 3 , 2006

Those Pesky Orbs

I'm still waiting for Jymie to get all the data from the Utah ghost trip sorted out, but in the meantime I wanted to bring up something that appeared a lot on that trip - the orb.
Now when it comes to any kind of "sensitivity" to unnatural, otherworldly forces, your common houseplant would probably do better than me. Ghosts? Never seen 'em, never heard 'em, don't know anything about 'em. There were people on this trip who are mediums, channelers, etc., and who talked about all kinds of things they experienced. I have know idea if what they were perceiving was real. I do take a lot of pictures, though, and I've never seen anything like these orbs.
So what's an orb?
Well, we took hundreds of pictures(probably close to a thousand) during our stay at the Exchange Building. Daytime, nighttime, empty rooms, rooms filled with people, indoors, outdoors... we got it all. In some of the pictures these glowing "balls" would appear. You couldn't see anything with the naked eye, but they'd show up clear as day on the pictures (and thanks to digital cameras, you could see them as they were happening). These orbs would really show up if there was any kind of "activity" in the vicinity - temperature fluctuations, EMF (electromagnetic frequency) spikes, stuff like that.
Interestingly enough, some of the greatest activity took place around Marvin. We'd been in the building a few hours doing preliminary readings and pictures of all the rooms - nothing very impressive - a big empty building. One of the "psychics" was talking about all this activity in the building, but since I didn't know her she could have been just as likely talking out her ass. LeAnn (the building's owner) said that a lot of people reported seeing a young girl's ghost in the building. But nobody in our group was picking up any young girl. I decided I may as well get some Marvin footage while I was there, so I got him out and headed for the basement. I wanted to get some "Blair Witch" night vision stuff with my video camera. Beaver, Mary and Jymie came along. I was holding Marvin and filming, having a good time and minding my own business. Jymie was taking pictures of me when she started getting all excited - there was all this activity showing up in the pictures! Shadows where there was nothing to cast a shadow, trails of light, and lots of orbs. I didn't want to miss this, so I gave Marvin to Beaver and started taking pictures myself. There they were - orbs all over the place! It was wacky - take a picture, look in the viewfinder, there they were! This went on for a few minutes, and then suddenly the orbs were gone. And that's how it went when the orbs would show up. They'd be there one minute, gone the next.

Here's a pic I took:

And here's one Jymie took:

Looks like the ghosts came out to play with Marvin!

So what's the story with the orbs? Well, a lot of them are written off as dust or lens flares. I tried to make them appear,though - blowing on dusty surfaces, shuffling my feet - nothing. Are they ghosts? Are they some sort of energy manifestation?
I have no idea. What I do know is that they are a strange phenomenon, and I've got the urge to do some more investigating.